2015: Year of Self!

Posted: January 14, 2015 in Life Changes
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2014 was a huge year of change for me, the end of a relationship, the end of a major addiction to Second Life, a huge work year with a lot of travel, complete overhaul of my fitness and diet and being there for other people in major ways.  All of this created high levels of stress that began to affect my health and I had to seek help for it.  From all of this turmoil I then started a journey of self-discovery at the end of last year, learning to set boundaries, my personality type, how I let other people’s words and actions determine how I felt and I am now working on my archetypes and the discovery of my Sacred Contract. (Carolyn Myss)

2015 is the year that I am putting what I have learnt into practice and letting go of all the crap.

It is my year of Self!

I have always been there for others, kept my mouth shut, put myself out, taken on other’s issues and upset myself….because I didn’t want to create conflict or have somebody else think bad of me.  Even people I didn’t actually know.  I was always afraid to voice my thoughts and say no that is not acceptable or remove toxic situations from my life.  I did what I thought was best for others but never considered what was best for myself.

I have already started putting this into action and I must say I like it.  I am asking for what I want instead of assuming someone else will know.  I am making decisions that I know will make someone else unhappy but that is better for me in the long run.  I am putting my health and fitness as a priority.  I am saying no more and most of all I am freeing my life of things that are creating more stress.

And feeling so much better for it.

I am even going so far as to change my thought process.  Turning the negative around.  When I have those evil vengeful mean thoughts of people that have done me wrong in the past, I am slowly starting to realise that they have made their own choices in life and that I need to stop letting their choices and decisions affect the way I feel.  It is hard to do but I have discovered that when you look at things from a different perspective, it really does open your eyes to an alternate way of thinking.  And one that creates much less stress on my psyche, my soul and my body.

I understand that this may be looked upon as selfish.  And maybe in some ways it is.  But as someone recently said to me “if we don’t put ourselves first then who will”.  You have to be healthy and happy and fulfilled to be able to help others, so putting yourself first can benefit everyone in the long run.  And to be honest, if friends and family don’t like the changes that I am making to improve my life, then are they really there to support what’s best for me?

It is only the beginning of the year and a continual journey but I am very much committed to this major life progression, to enjoying every moment for what it is, to not worrying about the past or the future, to giving myself up to the belief that I am on the right path of discovery.

To BEing Me!

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Being Single

Posted: December 18, 2014 in Dating, Life Changes
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As I head into my 7th year of Xmas festivities on my own again the fact I am single is always in the forefront of my mind.  Not so much because I don’t like being single but it is a time of parties and events where I am on my own and the family likes to pick at reasons why I can’t get a boyfriend.

And don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been single for an entire 7 years, but I certainly haven’t had anyone in my life that warranted or were able to do a Xmas family thing with me.

I am not going to carry on about all of the ways that single people are ostracised and made to feel, blah blah blah, there is already plenty of blogs and articles on that fact.

So what is my point going to be?

I LIKE BEING SINGLE!

Yes it can be lonely sometimes but I am a bit of a loner.  I have no issue with my own company at all.  When I need people I have family and friends and can be as social as I want to.  If I need more I also have friends I can call for “special cuddles”.

I LIKE that I can do what I want when I want.

I LIKE that I don’t have to shave  if I don’t want to.

I LIKE that I can share my bed with my dog and have my son jump in for cuddles in the morning.

I LIKE that I don’t have to find space in my draws or cupboard for anyone else.

I LIKE that I can fart freely.

I LIKE that I don’t have to worry how I look in the morning.

I LIKE that I can go out and get drunk and make a fool of myself and pass out in bed and be sick and hung over and not have to worry about what someone else thinks.

I LIKE that I can wear my grungy undies to bed and not worry about sucking in my tummy.

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I LIKE THAT I DON’T HAVE TO BE IN A DEAD END RELATIONSHIP JUST FOR THE SAKE OF NOT BEING SINGLE!

End Rant!

I know that one day there will be someone that I will take to meet the family at Xmas, that I will want to make room in my cupboard for and that will love me even if I don’t shave and wear my grungy undies while completely hung over after making a fool of myself.

But in the meant time, I am FINE being single and enjoying what I do have in my life instead of worrying about what I don’t.

Single

Incy Wincy

Posted: November 25, 2014 in Other
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I was travelling for work last week and stayed in an old hotel with an old spa bath.

I filled the bath with bubbles and water and then walked out into the kitchen to press some weird tube to turn it on.  I eased myself into the bubbles and laid there for a little while, reading my book and enjoying the relaxation after a hard day.  When i was done i hopped out and then walked into the kitchen to press the weird tube to turn the spa off. I dried myself and went back into the bathroom to let the water out.

All the bubbles were gone and all that remained was water and lots of little dead spiders floating around.

< Insert scream here >

'Come now dear, I hardly think a spider in the bath will bother me too much ...'

Get Outta My Head!

Posted: November 2, 2014 in Life Changes
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After 9 months we are talking again.  It has brought back what I used to feel, the hopes, the wants, the expectations.  You are back in my head and it sucks.  I have realised just because I have these thoughts that it doesn’t mean that you think the same way or that you ever did. Or that you ever wanted what i thought you did, that maybe I just projected what i needed on to you in the hope that you were the one that would give it to me.

What i have seen is that nothing has changed really, I still think that you are lost in a world that isin’t real, although you proclaim that to not be true, your words and actions say otherwise.  I feel like I am being dragged back into what was us, in a different form, and it makes my heart hurt again and the tears fall.  I always think if you left it and saw what I do that it would change how you feel.  But I can only do what is right for me and not expect others to follow suit unless they feel their own need.

As everything swirls around in my head I just keep coming back to one thing….you didnt fight for me then so why would you fight for me now.

“If she’s amazing, she wont be easy. If she’s easy, she wont be amazing.  If she’s worth it, you wont give up.  If you give up your not worthy…..Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the one worth suffering for”  Bob Marley

Am I wrong?

Posted: October 24, 2014 in Uncategorized
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I am a strong, independent woman and I can do pretty much anything for myself.  I actually enjoy the fact that I can do what I need to without having to have a man.  I am not this way by choice.  When you are in a marriage and you need to get a job and become the main income earner, raise your son, look after all of the financials and pretty much take control of family life because your husband doesn’t, this is what happens.  Then when the marriage is over and you don’t have a man in your life you learn to do everything on your own.  Follow that on with a long term long distance relationship and you have the majority of your adult life as a mum that has to do what she has to without relying on anyone else.

I actually thought this was a great quality to have.  To be able to fix my own toilet, look after my car and my lawns and the garbage bins.  To not actually NEED to have a man in my life to do things for me.  I thought my strength and independence were what made me stand out and different.  What made me attractive?  Who wouldn’t want a woman that can look after herself?

I think I was wrong!

The first time I thought maybe I was on the wrong path was when a friend who I hadn’t seen in a long time said to me that I was too masculine.  She didn’t mean physically.  She meant that I choose more masculine type exercise; that I am ambitious and career orientated, that I look after myself completely and that it intimidates men.

The second was recently, from a Big Brother housemate of all places.  There is a young blonde ditsy girl in the house and one of the men was talking about how she made him feel.  He said that she made him feel like a man, the urge to protect and puff his chest out.  That she would willingly just let him step up for her, look after her and let him pay for everything and that he would love doing it.

For a long time I wondered how my single girlfriends always managed to have men around doing their gardens, paying for their dinners, giving them money and gifts.  And now I have realised why. Because the men feel that these woman NEED them.  I thought this was a weakness on the part of my friends and then I realised actually it was smart.  Whether it is intentional or not, they have always had men step in to help them and they are quite happy to let them.  And their relationships form from that.

I hate the fact that I feel that I need to relinquish a part of myself that I am proud of to make someone feel more manly.  I would think that the perfect person for me will accept me as I am and show me just how feminine I can be. That they would not be scared of my strengths.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love my life. And I don’t NEED a man. I am at the point where it would take someone fantastic to make it better.  But I am curious about my thought path.

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#Blessed

Posted: October 20, 2014 in Life Changes, Motivational
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I really don’t like when people post pictures or statements of their life on social media and use #blessed.  I will never credit my happiness or contentment with being blessed or lucky.  Just as I don’t credit the hard times with  #cursed or #badluckblowsmyway.

I believe that happiness is a state of mind.  True happiness is contentment rather than the momentary elation you get from good times.  It is being in the moment and enjoying it for what it is.  It is not worrying about the past or the future.  We all spend so much of our lives with the goal of happiness.  I have done the same.  And then I realised while I was searching for what made me happy I wasn’t experiencing the things in my life that did.  And actually I was looking for something that I have most of the time.  Contentment!

And I have worked my ass of to get where I am.  I have pulled myself through devastating lows, situations that have slammed me that were out of my control and I know that in the future I will most likely experience the same.  But what I have learnt and worked on in the good times is what helps me in the bad times.

I have worked hard in my job, at the gym, on my own personal development and my relationships.

This is what has brought me to a point in life where I can be in the moment and while I am still learning, at least I have the self awareness to enjoy and feel whatever emotion crops up at a certain moment and that the only person that can affect or change or relish my situation is me.

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Rediscovering Lust

Posted: October 16, 2014 in Dating, Life Changes
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I have known you since you were 17, we have always got on well.  I see you every few years and we drink and laugh.  But this year was different.  You were no longer a boy, but a man.  A big hot hunk of a man and I was in your country for the first time.  You had changed, and so had your attitude towards me.  You now play with big boys toys and carry a gun. Your about to head off to the navy.  That first night I walked into the bar and said hi and hugged you and called you bro, we laughed and caught up.  And later our eyes met, the friction and sizzle and promise I felt from that moment took me by surprise.  I just assumed it meant nothing to you.  But you stayed by my side as we drank and socialised and when the bar closed we held hands and walked to the next one, or maybe stumbled.  After so many drinks it got too much, those looks and the little touches and me craving the feel of a real man.  We kissed. And kissed. You pulled me against you and you were so big, I was on my toes, totally wrapped up in you.  We walked back to my room and you kissed me at the door as we promised that the next morning would not be awkward.  I was so drunk I walked into my room and looked in the mirror at my face red raw from so much kissing.  I felt young and wanted and smiled at myself. I text and said thank you for the fun night. Then passed out!

The next morning I woke up and put my head in my hands and thought OMG what have I done?  Your dad is a work colleague, you are so young.  Did I take advantage? Should I have known better?  I was hung over and smiling and feeling awkward and embarrassed but I decided to suck it up and pretend all was ok and get to work.  I didn’t see you for a while and I didn’t want to be so forward as to go over to you and it be weird.  Why do I feel like a young girl again, why do I feel like this, like I haven’t in such a long time?  We finally spot each other and I wave hi and you come over to our group and talk.  I avoid your eyes a little and then take a deep breath and meet them.  That sizzle again.  What is that? I feel it right down into my core.

That night we all go to bowling, we are drawn to each other.  We play it cool in front of work colleagues but we touch or rub legs when we can.  At one point you move your hand up my leg and I want you right then and there.   I want to message you and say meet you at my room in 5.  I just want you! And by now I can tell you want me too.  I don’t say anything as we part ways for the night and I go to bed excited about seeing you tomorrow.

The next day we work at opposite sides on the exhibition.  We text a little.  We are bored! All I want to do it hang out and talk to you and kiss you and be in your arms.  You’re such a distraction and its driving me crazy.  I look forward to tonight.

I am at a different event to you.  I sit and drink and talk to your dad most of the dinner, the whole time wondering what you are doing.    I am tipsy again and head into the hotel bar.  You are sitting there, drinking a beer….on your own…..and waiting for me.  I just know it.  I slide onto the stool beside you and we drink and talk for hours.  The bar closes and you offer to walk to me my room.  I put my hand into yours and take you up on your offer, knowing what was to come.

I open my hotel room door and walk in and you look at me and say “am I coming in” my kiss was your answer.  I was drunk and wanted you so bad.  I take off my heels and you say wow you are so small.  As a tall woman these are words I have not heard before.  I smile and wrap myself around you.  I want to lick you all over so I do.  I feel a lump in your pants and ask what it is.  It is your flash light.  I giggle. We have drunken sex, well I don’t think you were as drunk as I was.  It was good.  I wanted more.   I remember most of it, my biggest regret was drinking too much.  I remember you dressing and I wouldn’t get off you.  I remember all of you.  The taste of you. The Tattoos.  The size of you.  I don’t want you to go but you have to.

You text me the next day to say you enjoyed my company and that I travel home safe, a gentleman.

I can’t stop thinking about you.  Not because I expect anything of it.  But because you gave me something back that I lost a long time ago.

Thank you

You can leave your boots by my bed any time!

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What (Most) Women Want

Posted: September 15, 2014 in Dating

Love Love Love

P.S. Please Don't Be a Serial Killer

After reading Paul Thomas Bell‘s post on what a man in his late 20’s THINKS women want…I decided to take it upon myself and explain what women ACTUALLY want. Now granted his post “What Women Want” was funny and sarcastic, but I thought I’d make mine a little more serious with a bit of Jblondie flavor. 🙂

So here we go…let’s fall down the rabbit hole and into the mind of a vertically challenged 27 year old blonde. (Are you scared yet? …you should be)

We want…

1. To have sex… to be fucked…and to make love. We WANT it ALL. We don’t always need to cum to enjoy it, and we like being naughty so teach us something we don’t know. We’ll be putty in your hands. Lick us…lick us every chance you get. Make sure you know what you’re doing (if you don’t ask us) and…

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